Sixth and Seventh grade were my worst years
of school. In sixth grade my Aunt Lou died it was hard for me, then in seventh
grade my nanny died on Christmas Eve. That death was almost impossible for me I
just couldn't believe that she was really gone from my life. Good thing I had a
family & "adult" friends to help me through it. I was fine until
that one day when I decided that it was worthless for me to be here
"earth"! My friends (at the time) (no longer friends) Ashley Smith
& Amanda Long told the counselor & they got to me before I could do
anything! The only people that stuck with me through that awful day & after
(February 2009) was my coach and the counselor at the school. She is the
greatest coach I've ever had and the counselor was always there to help me. All
this drama began before the school went to New York City; when I returned to
school it had to be the hardest thing I had ever done. I begged mama not to let
me go I was scared to death about what would happen or what people would say.
The counselor at the school (she goes to my church) popped in my first period
class (English) to tell my teacher something, but I think that she wanted to
check on me. I went home crying EVERYDAY. I just wanted to get out of there...I
felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out of there and fast!
Cameron Rocker went to a private school
named Edmund Burke Academy, so mom & dad looked into it. Before I knew it
we were going to look at the school!!!!! I was super nervous about moving to a
new school but we knew it was for the best. The beginning of my eighth grade
year I started EBA, I was super nervous. I was so nervous the first day of
school at EBA. A girl named Allie Goode said "We should introduce
ourselves to the new students." I was so scared that no one would like me
or would think I'm weird. Throughout the year I bonded more with so many
people. I was so happy & a totally different person. Ever since that day,
I've been a totally different person!!! Before I knew it I had a ton of friends
more than I had before, and my whole personality had changed.
Around Thanksgiving
of my sophomore year, I started to think of how it would feel to have a
relationship with Christ. I heard two of my friends’ testimonies about how they
came to Christ. During the break I saw the movie Letters to God. It got me thinking and I called one of my friends
and when school started back she shared the gospel with me and what it truly
meant to have a real relationship with Christ. I could feel that God was
pulling on my heart and wanting me to come to Him, but I couldn’t because I
still was holding on to what had happened to me in my past and still had so
much anger about it too. Between then and that following March I just began to
spiral down and became more and more depressed. I was angry at my past and just
had so much fear of rejection from people who wanted to be my friends.
March of my sophomore year
(the exact date is March 16-18, 2012) I went to a conference/retreat in
Waynesboro, Georgia called Plugged In, it was for girls. My best friend Beth
Jenkins (check her out at Wandering Forevermore) invited me. My small group
leader that me, Beth Jenkins, & the girls we met in our group (Emily
Holcomb & Beth Mathews) had was named Mrs. Nan Lynay. She was amazing!
Friday night took all of my courage & strength to talk to her; what I mean
by that is opening up to her was so hard but so worth it! That retreat was
amazing I haven't had that much fun & haven't cried that hard since camp a
few years ago. I came from that weekend thinking and believing that I truly did
give my life to Christ. I believed it for a really long time and lived the way
I thought you should live, and I acted the way I thought you should act.
October-March of my
junior year of high school was a very trying time for me because so much was
happening to me that I didn’t understand. That’s when I started to stray from
God, but I kept making sure everyone thought I was still a Christian. When I
didn’t really understand what that even meant by that point in my life. I was
at risk of leaving EBA after the first semester and then a friend of mine got
killed and he was a non-Christian. I had people to support me and help me
through it and would pray with me, but I knew that I was not acting and living
the way I should have been. I kept telling myself that no matter what I was a
Christian.
Then I graduated from high school and a week
later started summer semester at East Georgia in Statesboro which is really not
where I wanted to go at all. It was literally my LAST choice and I was so angry
and embarrassed to say I was going there. I stayed angry at God and kept
questioning why I was at East Georgia and not at Georgia College where I wanted
to be. I stayed angry at Him for a long time and then slowly that anger turned
into pain and desperation for something to fill me and make me have peace and
happiness. There were several nights that I would just lay in my bed just
crying my eyes out wanting peace, but not really fully understanding how to get
it. I was meeting with the school’s counselor at this time and I started
feeling worse coming out of her office then I did going in. I didn’t know why
and didn’t understand why I was feeling like that. She could see that I was in
a state of desperation trying to find a way out but not having a way out.
During all that going on, I got involved
with Campus Outreach at Georgia Southern University. I met some amazing people
that quickly became close friends. There were a few girls in Campus Outreach
who I could tell they had something I wanted. PEACE! I started talking to
Rachel Cowart, Katie Dent, and Lindsey Johnson about what I had been going
through and how I was struggling so much. They gave me great advice and prayed
for me and with me. However, that was not enough I still felt empty and alone
and trapped thinking I couldn’t get out. I was enslaved to my sin and I was in
tremendous amount of pain that finally just took over and I couldn’t break
free. Trying to hide all that pain and anger every day when I would go to class
became harder and harder. I would come out the counselor’s office feeling worse
than when I went in. I knew I needed something and fast. I kept a journal that
I would write about how desperate I was and wanted to feel peace. The
desperation, pain, anger, and depression got worse and worse the whole month of
September. One Wednesday night, the verse that was used was Titus 3:3-5 and it
literally slapped me in the face like a two by four. HARD!!!!!!!!!!!
Lindsey Johnson invited me to go to Fall retreat with her and the rest
of Campus Outreach. So I signed up and we went to Greenville, South Carolina.
We got there that Saturday afternoon around lunch time, and we had our first
“rally.” While I was listening to the lesson I had several questions running
through my mind and I started questioning myself…..”Am I really a Christian?
Have I been living like it? What does this all mean......................?”
They just kept going on and on in my head all day and all night. I kept asking
my friends why I was feeling like I was. That night I asked my friend Katie
Dent if I could talk to her about something. So we sat down on a couch in the
hotel close to our room. I instantly just started bawling like a baby because
of all the pain I was in and how I just felt so lost. We sat there for a while
as she explained what it truly meant to “LIVE” like a Christian and how amazing
I would feel! She asked me a very hard question that I had been asking myself………..”What
is holding you back from fully trusting the Lord and giving Him your life?” I
sat there for about 5 minutes and said “MYSELF”!!!!!!!!!!! Well we prayed and
went to bed, but before I went to sleep I texted a “staff leader” in our Campus
Outreach, Taylor Smith. I asked her if I could talk to her in the morning that
I had some questions about the gospel. She said sure and that she would be glad
to talk to me.
Well the next day (October 5, 2014…..Sunday)
I met Taylor in the lobby that morning and basically told her what I had told
Katie the night before, and she told me the same thing Katie told me the night
before. During the rally that morning, we were singing a song and I suddenly
became overwhelmed with the presence of God. I literally sat in my seat in
tears praying my heart out just wanting to break free. I picked my stuff up and
walked into the hallway where I just started bawling. Seriously I haven’t cried
that hard since I don’t know when. After about 15 minutes or so I felt a hand
on my shoulder telling me that everything was going to be okay. I looked up and
it was Taylor! As I continued to bawl my eyes out she sat there just telling me
how much Christ loved me and that I couldn’t break free on my own. I couldn’t
live a great and painless life by myself. I needed something to help me feel
full and happy and peaceful…………………………..that was one thing…………………………..Jesus
Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After I had calmed down a little bit she told me that I
had to just cry out to Him saying “I’m tired and broken and in so much pain and
I can’t do it by myself. I need your help I need your love I need your
PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!”
So at that very moment with her arms around
me I truly understood what being a Christian was all about. I didn’t have to
act strong and I didn’t have to fight this battle on my own; I couldn’t
actually there is no possible way anyone could. While we were sitting there, I
finally and whole heartedly surrendered my life over to Him. After that it was
all tears of joy instead of sorrow, and I just felt free. Well we had “share
time” after that with our “campus” and I was the first one up. I stood up proud
and confident and announced to all my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was
finally in the family!! I sat down and looked over at my friend Rachel Cowart
and I saw the biggest smile go across her face. Afterwards I went over to her
and we just hugged each other because she was so happy that I had done what I
did. Later on that night at Prayer, Katie told me she could see a difference in
me and the way I prayed out loud. I was more confident and not as nervous as I
had been before.
I have a long road ahead and life will not
get easier. However, God is sovereign and He loves me with all His heart (which
is pretty big actually bigger than we can even imagine). I will get
discouraged, overwhelmed, stressed, and depressed…………I will get in situations
that tear me down and try to destroy my faith and trust in God. You know why???
Because I am NOT perfect no one is, but there’s something that is different in
me now than how I was before…………I am stronger and I am talking about strong in
Christ. He makes me strong not myself not my emotions. I have so many ways to
talk to God and to worship Him and I have so many role models that I can go to
when things get hard. He really has blessed me with Campus Outreach and all the
people in it. They are my brothers and sisters in Christ now and
forever!!!!!!!!! That bond is eternal and everlasting………the bond of a loving
Heavenly Father and His children!!!!!!!!!
God has a purpose and sometimes life is
rough, but that is normal. I keep my focus on God and what He wants for my
life! Jeremiah 29:11 & Proverbs 3:5-6! No matter what happens in life good
or bad...God will always help you through it! Life after that weekend will be great
and terrible, but God literally saved me from making the worse mistake of my
life. A mistake that could of ruined my family and friends lives! Even though
it's painful to talk about God is using my testimony to help others with the
same issues that I went through! So you are NEVER alone! Just have faith and
trust in Him!
****Jeremiah 29:11 says,
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper
you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."****
*****Proverbs 3:5-6 is my favorite verse &
it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path
straight."******
Sometimes we think life will be so simple, but it's never simple. I have learned in my life recently that no matter where I want to be I'm going to be somewhere different because of what God wants for my life. Life right now is better than it was before, but I will have hard/difficult times. Where I am in my life is not where I want to be. The people who are about to enter my life I may not never want in it, but it's not my decision to make. I have to trust God and know that He definitely knows what He is doing for sure! I hope my testimony has inspired you. It is meant to be shared and to inspire people. I have a story so I want to share it!
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